Journal // 10th June 2024

Jun 10

On this day I…

Up early, 04:30. Felt good to be awake and reading before most people have roused. It’s quiet, except for the odd car driving on a road 100 yards away. The wind is gentle the ground is wet the birds are singing. What better time to be awake.

I feel of late that I let my emotions out for a walk too often. I have become complacent. They are starting to run amok. like an unruly pet. Time I think to reign them in. I must meditate on this.

That door must now be closed.

There are some at the bar, and by some, I mean one (1), who, when gets in a mood brings down everyone else. Maybe this person feels that if they are upset then the rest of us can’t be happy. “If I’m upset, so are you.”

They do this as it is their way. But no one really knows what triggers this behaviour, this mood change. One moment all is good then next, they can’t bear to be around us. They don't explain, maybe because we’re just supposed to know. They isolate themself and become convinced that it’s the working environment that is toxic.

Maybe it’s their behaviour that is toxic, manipulative and narcissistic.

No one else has this problem, we all have bad days. Someone gets on your last nerve, does or says something you don’t like. But we get past it by the end of shift. We talk it out like adults. We don’t pout and distance ourselves. We don’t cry in the rain.

How did they become so fragile? And why should we care?

When one member of staff can affect the whole team, should that person be on the team? If one part of your body is killing you, you cut it out.

I just completed my daily breathing exercise and something new happened. I’ve been doing this for a few years at this point and a new first is always intriguing to me. As I meditated, my lungs void of oxygen I found that my focus sharpened. Sharper than usual. I was focused on a small defect on the front of a bookcase. The more intent my focus the more out of focus my periphery became. To use a photography term, my focus became more shallow, as if I’d gone from an f2.8 to an f0.95. This oddity needed to be documented here.

“Don’t let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole. Don’t try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand, and, ask ’Why is this so unbearable? Why can’t I endure it?’ You’ll be embarrassed to answer. Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you. Only the present and even that can be minimalised.“ — Marcus Aurelius. Meditations 8:36.